Guys are girls can never be just friends…. I call bullshit!
I met this lovely little weirdo named Mark in 2007 during my freshman year of college and haven’t been able to get rid of him ever since but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I’m not sure how our friendship evolved into this strange codependent platonic love affair but it seems like it’s always been that way.
I know what you’re thinking, you’re writing an open love letter to your platonic guy best friend, your both heterosexual and your claiming you are just friends…. no one is being friend zoned? Nope. We have constantly had people wonder why we haven’t dated because we seem to just get each other in a way that no one else does. The truth is there lots of love is there just not that kind of love. Since romantic love is celebrated so much I thought it was a good idea to celebrate platonic love. Let’s be honest finding a friend that is the yin to your yang is about as easy as finding true romantic love.
Dear Mark (and world),
Here are the 8 top reasons guy best friends are the best!
We burp in unison.
This might sound like a lie but I don’t feel like I burp very much. I don’t happen to know the national average for burps per week but I’m certain I’m under it. That’s part of the reason it’s so funny to me that we have unintentionally burped in unison before. That’s a level of friendship that takes years.
Let me explain: We were in Chicago visiting a friend and while sitting in her apartment enjoying a mid-afternoon vacation beer we burped at the exact same time.
I looked at Mark, “Did we just burp in unison?”
“I think that’s the male equivalent to synching your mensis.”
It only makes sense that we would burp in unison together.
We have conversations in a totally different language
“What are ya’ll talking about?”
I can’t count the times someone has asked us that while listening as we ramble on. We may be quoting a hilarious scene from You’re the Worst, a Clerk’s quote or reminiscing about the time I tried to save your life and you kept running away.
Even people who have known us for years are often totally lost in our conversations.
Let me explain: We were about to cross the street one day and a car was coming so I tried to pull Mark quickly so we would cross before it hit us but he kept pulling away.
“Why are you fighting me,” I screamed.
“Because you were pushing me in front of a car!”
I was pulling him out-of-the-way of a car… it’s all about perception kids.
For never hitting on me but still making me feel pretty and loved
Any time I’m being insecure or commenting on how much life sucks you manage to make me laugh even if it’s through harsh words. I also love having a guy in my life I can text, “I’m needy, love me.” Instead of running for the hills you respond, “Love, love love.” For being there after breakups to tell me all the stuff that was wrong with the guy, like crazy pants or being down to play battleship.
Let me explain: I dated an insanely jealous guy once and during the last and final breakup I was trying to give him all of his stuff back, like his game of Battleship and he shouted, “Why don’t you play battleship with Mark.” Which as soon as he left I texted Mark, “Wanna play battleship.”
I love the fact we can have a full conversation about how we want to met someone like the other one but with/without XYZ. In your case red hair like Ava Cash, a voice like Lana Del Ray and gaming skills like Karen Gillan. For me Mario Lopez’s dimples and body would do.
For playing wingman no matter how bad you are at it
To not have any game yourself you never stand in the way of mine. I don’t know how many men have told me how awesome you’ve said I am. Or the fact that you yelled at certain someone, who shall remain nameless, that he needed to get his act together because I was a good girl. Our joking plots to split up couples at bars. And practically insulting me to make sure it was clear, “No dude we’re just friends… she’s totally single!”
Let me explain: I’ll admit I was the girl who fell for the wrong guy when I first got to college. Mark happened to be friends with him and I didn’t find out till years later he gave him an ear full about mistreating me… it didn’t exactly improve this jerks behavior but it did make me realize I deserved better.
For not judging the random needs for attention and validation I can only share with you
The only person I could text 13 times in a row without feeling like a total stalker is you and I‘m sure after that you will never let more than 3 messages go without a response after that one. The fact that I can send you texts that say, ‘Stop having things in your life more important than me!” and you take my crazy with a grain of salt is amazing.
Let me explain: Pretty much self-explanatory. I texted asked him a question and a few hours later he hadn’t responded. So I proceeded to blow his phone up. “Hey.” “Did you die? I’ll kick your ass if you died.” “Are you with a girl, tell her hi.” “Why do you hate me?”
I even called his roommate (also a dear friend to me) Mark was nowhere to be found. Don’t worry… he’s okay.
For being the only person I’ve ever met who watches more T.V. than me
We share so many shows, so many movies, so many quotes. I love I can almost always predict what new show you will love and you can always predict what episodes will make me cry… (If it’s Parenthood that’s easy…all of them). I love when you finally watch something after keeping me waiting 12 hours (damn you and your night-time job) then you’ll text me a random line from it and I’ll burst out laughing at work. “But I don’t wanna do butt stuff.”
Let me explain: My biggest vice isn’t my love affair with vodka and wine, the fact I have a major potty mouth or that I could eat pizza every day and never get sick of it. No, my biggest vice is I watch way too much television. If by some chance I fall behind or my DVR lets me down Mark probably has it recorded
For welcoming me into your family since mine is out of town
Thanks for every invitation to birthdays, parties, holidays and whatever celebration is going on, even if I don’t go. It’s hilarious that your brother knows if he gets a voicemail from you it’s probably me yelling at him for not being at whatever event I planned for your birthday.
Let me explain: My family lives a few hours away and anytime I don’t go home for a holiday I know there is a seat for me at his family’s event.
For always being down to go on a random adventure
There are tons of people I love but wouldn’t want to travel with. Mark and I may drive each other crazy ocassionally but we have amazing adventures planned and unplanned.
Let me explain: One of our most random adventures is the result of being at a bar at 1:00a.m. on a Wednesday night and deciding that in less than 5 hours we should fly to Chicago for the day. Or the time my spring break vacation got cancelled so 2 days before we decided screw Port A, let’s go to San Diego? Very few people would be down like that. I’ve gotten to see a lot of the country thanks to you and made some awesome memories.
Holy shit Mark are we in love??? Nah hahaha But I do love you!
Forever the Lily to your Ted!
Do you have a guy bestie? Tell me about him below!