You know your romantic life is doomed when you download Coffee Meets Bagel and the app refuses to open!
“Maybe it’s a sign,” I thought.
I mean, not even 3 hours earlier I told a friend, “Ew no,” when she suggested I go back to online dating to “meet new guys.”
I swore before my last relationship that I’d never get back on Tinder. I also told myself I would live my life, try new activities and see what life brought to me… and if I was STILL single I’d look into online dating again in November. There I was barely 2 weeks into September and (unsuccessfully) downloading a dating app.
I decided to take a new approach to online dating this time. Instead of investing weeks into messaging back and forth, we’d just meet, go out and see if there was a spark. If not, on to the next.
Well it’s been a month since I downloaded OKCupid and it’s been interesting. The app has also been deleted and deactivated at least twice, only to be reactivated again out of boredom.
Here are the 12 guys you “meet” online dating.
The “Why are you single?” guy
A guy messages you and about 4 messages in he asks, “So why you are single?”
People who ask this I have to know…What is the right answer to that question?
My go to answer is “Because I don’t have a boyfriend,” which may translate to “Because I’m a sarcastic bitch.”
Seriously what are your choices here?
The generic answers?
“I just haven’t found the right person.”
“I have bad luck in love.”
“I have bad taste in guys.”
Or the dirty truth?
“I drive men away with my strong personality.”
“I have really bad mood swings.”
“I’m allergic to stupid people, so almost every guy I date breaks me out in tears.”
Obviously if someone is single the reason is because they aren’t in a relationship. Any other answer is probably too generic or too detailed for the start of a conversation.
The person who clearly didn’t read your profile.
“Message me back if you are interested in a daddy daughter relationship.”
“My wife met her boyfriend on this site and I am looking for a girlfriend.”
“Wanna have some fun (insert winky face)?”
Nowhere on my profile did I say I was into being the wife-approved side ho! In fact it says that I am strictly monogamous and not to message me if you only want to hook up!
For the record, yes I have gotten all 3 of those messages (as a conversation starter), and they make me close the app and want to throw my phone in the street.
It’s great you think I’m pretty… really, thank you, but I have enough Daddy Daughter issues as it is.
Nothing is more frustrating than coming across your Ex (the person who probably drove you to try online dating in the first place) on a dating app.
Being matched with your ex, former fling or the person who treated your heart like a dog shit is a major fail and should have some sort of automatic filter.
What’s even more delightful is if your ex is either using a photo you took, one where you are obviously cropped out or one where they are wearing a piece of clothing you bought for them. Don’t be using my investment to get other women!
The first date I went on had some very nice photos. He messaged me one Saturday and we decided to go get a drink.
Hank (let’s call him Hank, because I don’t remember or care to remember his name), Hank’s profile said he was 28… when he showed up it was obvious he was not 28 and his pictures weren’t recent ones.
I remember thinking, “Holy Shit! Did I just get catfished?”
His photos had to be about 5 years old. So being the blunt person I am, I called him out on it, “You’re not 28 are you?”
He started laughing, “I’m 34,” then attempted to change the subject… sorry brah, not so fast.
“Why does your profile say you’re 28?”
“Because older women message me and I don’t like that.”
“You mean women your age?”
Him being 34 wouldn’t have bothered me if his profile had said so and his pictures weren’t from when he was 24!
Needless to say I stayed for 2 drinks (Which was rather generous considering I’d been deceived but hey free drinks).
He walked me out to my car and asked for a hug. I hesitantly gave him the one arm hug when he wrapped both arms around me and goes, “Ah that feels good.” (Fast forward to me scrubbing myself down in the shower later.)
Then he goes, “What are you going to do?”
“I’m going home, I’m tired.” (Mind you I was yawning the entire night because he was as interesting as he was 28 years old.)
The Desperate Guy
The guy who is so desperate to have a girl friend they are already talking about introducing you to their friends, what you should do for New Year’s Eve (when it’s still July) and how much his mom is going to love you…after one date.
He starts calling you nicknames like, “Baby” and “Hon” 20 minutes into the conversation, making you feel very uncomfortable.
This guy should be avoided at all costs. He’s so eager to get in a relationship only one of two things will happen; you rush into the relationship not really knowing each other and it epically fails or he gets bored of taking it slow and you just wasted your time.
The guys who get angry a little too quickly
You start messaging and the conversation is going great, then you fall asleep, you go into a meeting, your Aunt Ida dies, whatever happens that causes you to not respond back and within an hour he loses his shit. First there is the, “Are you there?” Then it quickly escalates to, “Why are you ignoring me?” Followed by something way unnecessary, “Fuck you, you ugly bitch. That’s why you’re single! Consider yourself blocked.”
When you get back to your phone you’re like, “What just happened?” Then have no choice but to laugh it off because you obviously just dodged a big crazy bullet!
The monkey see, monkey do charmer
This guy is only on the app because his friends are. Which wouldn’t be that big of a deal except he is normally an amazing catch and charming as hell! The charmer doesn’t know what he wants…. Spoiler alert! It’s not a relationship, and he will only realize this once you’ve deleted your dating profile and became emotionally invested.
The basic bitch
It’s hard to find a good ice breaker with online dating, I’ll admit it. But this guy has no flare. He asks you the same generic questions everyone else does and it’s typically just things he can read on your profile. You try to open up the conversation for more in-depth information, like instead of “What do you do?” you ask, “What’s a typical work day for you like?” His response is something super simple like, “Work, lunch, then counting down to 5.”
Part of you thinks he might not be into you because his answers are so basic, but then you remember he messaged first and keeps sending messages (basic as they may be) and asking questions. So you try to convince yourself maybe he’s more interesting in person…he probably isn’t.
The guy looking for a pen pal
This is the guy who is a starter with no end game. He messages you and the conversation is okay and then it stops, normally on his part.
He randomly writes you (obviously because he is bored or horny) but never actually makes a plan to meet up. If you bring it up he is very vague/ passive, with, “Maybe,” or “Let me know where you end up.”
You never actually meet your pen pal… he is literally a waste of your time.
The avatar/ headless wonder
This guy has no identifying photographs on his profile. Instead of a profile picture he has the default avatar or a picture of him from the neck down. This guy is one of 3 things: spoken for- he has a girlfriend or wife he doesn’t want to find out he’s looking for some side action, he’s just looking for sex, or he’s a serial killer who hopes you will meet him so he can snatch you up and you can have a Lifetime Network Original movie made about you. Or he might be all of the above: a sex-crazed, married serial killer… I bet everyone reading this in a relationship is really envying us living the single life.
The surprise dad
I studied your entire profile, looked at every picture and not a single tiny human photo or mention of one in sight.
We took things to the next level by exchanging numbers and texting for a week before we finally make plans to meet in person. We show up, have a drink or two, and things are going great. Then like a ninja throwing star you fling the kid bomb at me… ummm, you failed to mention that. It isn’t even like an “Oh you should know, I have a son.” It’s much more passive than that.
I was at a bar with a guy for 3 hours and then he started showing me his tattoos, I asked what one was and he goes, “My son’s name.” Well I’m glad I asked.
Why not mention that? What are you hiding?
The pervert bait and switch
You go from talking about going to dinner to you becoming his dinner (insert falacio joke).
The best example I have of this is one guy and I started talking about meeting up after about a week of sporadic messaging.
“I would love to get a drink with you! But may I ask you something, and please don’t be upset or anything because I really think you are beautiful, but do you have a booty? lol Because I’m an ass man. I’m not saying we’re going to have sex or anything, not my goal just curious to know.”
I respond, “We definitely wouldn’t be having sex the first time we meet. It’s kind of hard not to find that somewhat offensive because it’s kind of the equivalent of me being like, ‘Sure let’s hang out but do you have a big dick, because I like em big. Not that I think we’re going to have sex.’ ”
Needless to say that date never happened.
Any ones I forgot? Feel free to share your online dating horror stories below, perhaps we can start a collective!